Joy and Sorrow

I had just finished this drawstring sleeper for one friend when I found out another friend has miscarried this weekend. It is hard to have a divided heart, with joy for one and crushing sorrow with the other.

Psalm 34:18 -The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. 

While I do not understand, I am learning to say, The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

I love how this little baby kimono is coming out. I just bound off the bottom and need to get a little bit of elastic for the bottom and then knit the sleeves.

Just over a year ago I expected to be making tiny clothes for my own coming little one. But it was not to be. This week at Bible study we had a healing conversation about miscarriage and how God ministered to us through others during our trials. 

I am finding a lot of satisfaction in knitting for someone else's baby right now. It is surprising how God blesses us when we reach out to others; my own neediness is forgotten as I think about someone else's needs or what I can do to minister to loved ones. 

This week at another meeting of women I got to share my testimony; how God reached into my young, dark life and traded me a heart of flesh for my heart of stone. Reaching out to others, whether sharing my testimony or ministering to a new friend mourning her miscarriage, as I also was privileged to do this week, is humbling. Jesus laying down His life for me compels me to give where I can. The richness of the blessings I receive from this small giving are so great as to be incomprehensible. God is so good. 

At this my soul cries, This is what I was made for! 

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Lately I am learning about the sacrifice of praise as God has given me several friends with new babies. I had so longed for another baby, and I thought that desire was settled and put behind me. But I am finding that desire is still there, that my heart can become restless with the thought. 

When people ask me how I know God is real, this is how I know: He can fill in where I sorely lack. He has flooded me with joy for others' new babies to the point where it has surprised me. I feel strengthened by praising Him, not only for what He has given me, but for what He hasn't. And because I have had a friend miscarry a baby this week, I also feel sympathetic and able to comfort her in a way I couldn't otherwise. God truly does know what He's doing. And He has been good to me.

Some of the greatest blessings are the unseen joys of the heart. 

Comfort, comfort my people

There is so much hurt in the world it is tempting to write about that every time. I have a hurting friend today and want so much to be a balm for her spirits. A rainy day friend, not just a friend when the sun is shining. 

I am lacking in the right words, what to do, how to say anything to help. Having been through a time of hurting I saw God work through what people said to me or what they did for me; even though now I don't remember specific things friends said. The days seemed long, the self-questioning relentless. 

Looking back now I can say for sure that God worked through that hard time. He is still working in it, using it. Though I don't know what to say or do for my friend, at least I can let her know I am here and praying. I know God is at work.

Silence

 Here is the quilt I have been working on lately. Titled "Silence", or "Father My Ears Had Heard of You", it is about 9" x 12".

 The twin storks are drawn on antique silk.

 They are pulling their bundle of white roses in two different directions. White roses symbolize the final silence, death, as well as purity and innocence.

 The background fabrics are cotton batiks and the bundle has an overlay of tulle.

I was tempted to do more detailing on this quilt but decided in keeping with silence and purity, to let the elements' simplicity shine. Above the storks the Bible verse Job 42:5 begins, and ends below: "Father my ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you." I feel the verse is appropriate because in the past month I have come to know God better. He is not the feel-good God we may think we want, He does not grant every wish like some kind of cosmic yes man, but His love is more powerful than I knew. He stops at nothing to transform us into the likeness of His Son. It pleases Him that we bring Him glory in ever-increasing measure, no matter what the cost.

Fun Quilt for Fidget

For the past week or two I've been thinking about making a tribute quilt about my miscarriage. Naturally since I am mulling over a quilt in my mind and getting fabric out, Fidget wanted to make a quilt too. Well, you can see whose got made, and whose is still being mulled over.

At the beginning of last year we made Fidget's first little quilt. It was apparent to me that it was way too early for her to sit and sew, but at least she was involved in the process and drew the main picture that we sashed around (of Pooh Bear's sister, Ipl) ; and she did some great giant-stitched embroidering on its surface. Since then she's taken a break from quilting. 

I thought this would be another great opportunity for Fidget to try a quilt. It turned out I was wrong, as she has no ability to sit still (hence her name). Her feet don't reach the foot pedal, which is probably a good thing for now, and just sitting in my lap to guide the fabric through doesn't work either for someone so fidgety.

 She did pick out the fabrics from my scraps though. And I was pleased with her adding appliques to the surface to personalize it. This little blond girl is from the fabric we used for the backing. Fidget cut out some pink fabric to make the girl's dress longer.

This little girl is from a different fabric. What I like best about the quilt is that some of the fabrics Fidget picked are from projects very special to us. The green flowered fabric I used to make us matching sun dresses when she was still a baby. The light blue with pink flowers is part of her Humpty Dumpty (aka Hummy)'s outfit, and the tan background with roses and bees was first used to make a jacket for Pooh Bear.

I don't know if she will have any good memories of making this quilt. She did play around me when she wasn't helping. Maybe she will remember that. If nothing else, it was therapy for me as I took a break from thinking about a much more serious quilt.

Poppies

Here are a couple shots of the poppies quilt I mentioned recently. The center drawing is of a tiny embryo which doesn't show up in the pictures. I particularly enjoyed the free-form quilting in this quilt, looking like ghosts of poppies and their little buds. The here-but-not-here quilting reminded me of the little baby I had carried for such a short time. For me he was here but not here, in our minds but in reality already a resident in Heaven. I mentioned before that in Victorian times and before, poppies were seen as symbolic of fertility, eternal life, and rest.

The Coffin Quilts

Coffin Quilt #1 with hand dyed batik fabrics, black silk stuffed coffin sewn closed, and embryo beading on top. This is the first quilt I made after miscarrying Fidget's twin, Josiah Elijah, on 12/10/03. The name Elijah was chosen because like the prophet in the Bible, our baby was not born to die a man, but went straight to heaven and we did not see him go.The parts of the verse I stitched from 2 Kings 2:11 says ...Suddenly chariots of fire and horses of fire appeared and he went up to heaven in a whirlwind. There is no better thing for a grieving parent than to know your baby is in heaven waiting. Because I was still pregnant with Fidget, I found these quilts were the only way I grieved after that day until months after she was born when it hit me. Anyone who has lost a loved one knows there is no guarantee that grief will ever be gone. It strikes suddenly just as new as that first day. This December tenth was hard in that we experienced miscarriage again. But our confidence is in God, the Father of all comfort. He is holding our precious babies and we will see them one day. In the Bible God promises that no one who hopes in him will be disappointed.

Second coffin quilt with empty, closed black silk coffin. Psalm 139:14 quote, I praise you because you are to be feared; all you do is strange and wonderful. I know it with all my heart. This was important for me, to address the awesome supremacy of God in my time of grieving. His ways are higher than ours, and even when some of it doesn't look good, we have to trust his plan. It's the only plan. And he is always good.

Quilt #3 with open coffin of metallic silk. Verse: Unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. John 12:24. My thought was this boy's life had come and gone so quickly, but that in that time his life had been an encouragement and I had the comfort of knowing his life had purpose. Besides that I knew he had a glorious home in heaven and would be waiting for me. He is waiting still.

Miscarriage

Seven years ago today I miscarried Fidget's twin. 

I don't like the word miscarried. Being told I was mis-carrying seemed to implicate me in my little baby's passing even though I had not even known of my pregnancy a week. I didn't like to hear that I'd lost the baby either. That made it seem like carelessness on my part. But the baby did pass away and to our wonderment when we went to the hospital there was still another heartbeat. And many months later, our beautiful Fidget was born. 

Fortunately for me I was in art school at the time of the miscarriage. I say fortunately because I had something physical to pour my sorrow into. And I had plenty of time and supplies to work on grieving quilts. I made three tiny coffin quilts and another with a tiny baby and poppies, flowers that have long symbolized fertility and eternal life, rest and repose. It comforts me to think of the poppy quilt which now hangs in a children's treatment center in a hospital, and the coffin quilts, which I have lent to grieving mothers in the ensuing years. 

It is hard not to get our way, to know we have come up against God and that He did not agree with us in our wants. I have handed my desire for more children over to God countless times these years, and I know I am not done yet. Today is a new day to see His will working in my life and choose to embrace it. This morning I found a verse I want to exemplify, 2 Corinthians 7:4 "...I am greatly encouraged; in all our troubles my joy knows no bounds." 

When I grieve what I don't get, I see the way the world does not fulfill me. I have a wonderful family, and friends, and church, loved ones near and far. And still when I grieve the world's disappointments I am reminded none of the good things God has given can fill me. God shows me again and again where my hope must lie. Today I pray God will restore to me the joy of my salvation, the joy of knowing that troubles on earth are light and momentary compared to the boundless joy we will have with Him in Heaven for all time.