Seven years ago today I miscarried Fidget's twin.
I don't like the word miscarried. Being told I was mis-carrying seemed to implicate me in my little baby's passing even though I had not even known of my pregnancy a week. I didn't like to hear that I'd lost the baby either. That made it seem like carelessness on my part. But the baby did pass away and to our wonderment when we went to the hospital there was still another heartbeat. And many months later, our beautiful Fidget was born.
Fortunately for me I was in art school at the time of the miscarriage. I say fortunately because I had something physical to pour my sorrow into. And I had plenty of time and supplies to work on grieving quilts. I made three tiny coffin quilts and another with a tiny baby and poppies, flowers that have long symbolized fertility and eternal life, rest and repose. It comforts me to think of the poppy quilt which now hangs in a children's treatment center in a hospital, and the coffin quilts, which I have lent to grieving mothers in the ensuing years.
It is hard not to get our way, to know we have come up against God and that He did not agree with us in our wants. I have handed my desire for more children over to God countless times these years, and I know I am not done yet. Today is a new day to see His will working in my life and choose to embrace it. This morning I found a verse I want to exemplify, 2 Corinthians 7:4 "...I am greatly encouraged; in all our troubles my joy knows no bounds."
When I grieve what I don't get, I see the way the world does not fulfill me. I have a wonderful family, and friends, and church, loved ones near and far. And still when I grieve the world's disappointments I am reminded none of the good things God has given can fill me. God shows me again and again where my hope must lie. Today I pray God will restore to me the joy of my salvation, the joy of knowing that troubles on earth are light and momentary compared to the boundless joy we will have with Him in Heaven for all time.
Thank you for writing about that. Little M.'s due date has come and gone, and thinking about it I reflected that it was really an "expectation date", and God's reality was different than my expectation. In reality, our little boy went home right when he was supposed to, but that thought still simultaneously crushes me AND magnifies the Lord's love to me...
ReplyDeleteI am sorry I did not write to you on that date. I trust God was especially close to you then. I wish you could come for tea today. We could imagine together, our children in Heaven, and how good it will be to meet them. It will happen! This thought encourages me in my sorrow.
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing such a vulnerable, personal part of your heart, Lara. Though I have not experienced the loss of a baby, I do know what it is to want desperately something God had not chosen to give (yet). You and your sweet testimony of surrender were such an encouragement to me in those days! I pray that the God of all comfort will continue to give you His peace and grace as you remember the little one who is awaiting you in Heaven! Hugs to you today..
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