Comfort

Grey skies, rain and grieving here today. I was reminded last week that the tough questions, the unsolved hurts, are times we must choose to draw near to God. We can trust even when we don't understand, and God will bring redemption of even those things that we cannot reconcile. We continue to unpack. Here is a little quilt that gets broken every time we move. I am finally making a new little clay figure, a little Fidget swinging high and carefree, that I made from one of my favorite old photos of her. The quilt isn't ruined if I determine to make it better as I refashion it. Just as the hard things don't break us, but increase our faith as we offer them back to God.

Christmas

Christmas has come to Train Central! And the gym downstairs is finally ready too, just in time. We aren't giving a lot of gifts this year because we don't want more stuff to move to River's Edge Bungalow in February. I always need more stationery and ink, so this is my perennial Christmas list. But what I really need, and what I want to be a giver of, is grace. Grace when I'm doing wrong. Grace when I'm bumbling. Grace when I am proud of myself if I'm doing well. Grace when I don't even know I need it. Grace for everything big and small. And fortunately, Jesus, the ultimate giver of grace, has come and showered us with grace by the sprinkling of His blood. In this season, I marvel anew that He would come to be born a baby, to die for me. But better yet, He's promised to come again.

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain,' for the old order of things has passed away. He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making everything new!'" Rev.21:3-5

Wishing you a truly Merry Christmas. No matter what is going on in your heart and life, the joy Jesus gives can be yours. May His joy be in our hearts all year long, until He comes again.

Joy and Sorrow

I had just finished this drawstring sleeper for one friend when I found out another friend has miscarried this weekend. It is hard to have a divided heart, with joy for one and crushing sorrow with the other.

Psalm 34:18 -The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. 

While I do not understand, I am learning to say, The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

I love how this little baby kimono is coming out. I just bound off the bottom and need to get a little bit of elastic for the bottom and then knit the sleeves.

Just over a year ago I expected to be making tiny clothes for my own coming little one. But it was not to be. This week at Bible study we had a healing conversation about miscarriage and how God ministered to us through others during our trials. 

I am finding a lot of satisfaction in knitting for someone else's baby right now. It is surprising how God blesses us when we reach out to others; my own neediness is forgotten as I think about someone else's needs or what I can do to minister to loved ones. 

This week at another meeting of women I got to share my testimony; how God reached into my young, dark life and traded me a heart of flesh for my heart of stone. Reaching out to others, whether sharing my testimony or ministering to a new friend mourning her miscarriage, as I also was privileged to do this week, is humbling. Jesus laying down His life for me compels me to give where I can. The richness of the blessings I receive from this small giving are so great as to be incomprehensible. God is so good. 

At this my soul cries, This is what I was made for! 

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Lately I am learning about the sacrifice of praise as God has given me several friends with new babies. I had so longed for another baby, and I thought that desire was settled and put behind me. But I am finding that desire is still there, that my heart can become restless with the thought. 

When people ask me how I know God is real, this is how I know: He can fill in where I sorely lack. He has flooded me with joy for others' new babies to the point where it has surprised me. I feel strengthened by praising Him, not only for what He has given me, but for what He hasn't. And because I have had a friend miscarry a baby this week, I also feel sympathetic and able to comfort her in a way I couldn't otherwise. God truly does know what He's doing. And He has been good to me.

Some of the greatest blessings are the unseen joys of the heart. 

On Remembering

Today cannot pass without remembering ten years ago. The Lord has carried us this far and will continue. This hymn which we sang at worship this morning states it well. Words by Edward Mote, ca. 1836. Still just as true today. I find comfort in knowing the Lord has always existed and will continue no matter what happens. And He has promised to take to Heaven all those who love Him and call upon Him for forgiveness of their sins. In this I rest.


My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.

Refrain

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

Refrain

His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.

Refrain

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

A Lost Treasure

When I met my friend, this lovely young mother came to me one day after Bible study because I had shared openly about trying to commit suicide while I was growing up. I had turned to numerous destructive behaviors to dull the pain, but it always came back. I shared with the ladies at the study that I was diagnosed with manic depression, got lots of counseling, and was put on medicine that I was supposed to be on forever. The only problem was, the medicine didn't help. Nothing helped until I became a Christian. After that, God removed the depression from my life and I have not tried to commit suicide anymore. So I thought it was the same with my friend Jessica.

She wrote me a letter after Bible study, telling me that her mom had committed suicide a few years earlier. She told me she was in AA/NA because of her previous destructive behaviors. She felt free to share that with me because I had friends in AA and NA, and I acknowledged that I had tried all sorts of worldly methods to keep the pain from returning. 

But with me, once I was a Christian this dark pain was immediately removed. Yes, it is a miracle, but I explain it as the means God needed to use to bring me to an understanding of the extent of my sinfulness, and my inability to save myself even a little bit. Once I was desperate for Him and turned to Him, he graciously removed it. He didn't have to do that. He doesn't do that with everyone. He didn't do that with Jessica.

After awhile I did not see Jessica often because she went to a different church and then my family was stationed in another state. We lost touch. What I was told is that she was hospitalized for manic depression for a month, and when she left the hospital her family came back to our church last Sunday. She told the pastor's wife, a dear friend of hers, that she thought she was getting better. The next day she was found in a hotel room, having overdosed on prescription medicine. 

Having become a Christian I did not think about suicide anymore. It didn't occur to me that anyone else would either. The assurance of my salvation is a treasure, something I feel protects me. It helps me see that no matter how bad things get here, I have but little time to wait until I am in heaven rejoicing at the throne of God. 

How I wish I had known Jessica still had those dark thoughts. I am sure I am not the only one saying that today. If only... But though the enemy clouded her mind and obscured the treasure that was her salvation, making it seem lost forever, I know that my friend is with Jesus now. The lost treasure was not lost, it is the thing that carried her to the throne, a weak and weary wayfarer who I knew and loved for just a little while. Yet I know I will see her again, in God's time. In the meantime I am praying for Jessica's husband and her three little children. May God protect them and their treasure until He returns. 

Even so, come, Lord Jesus. We need you.

Training Wheels

I wouldn't say I'm on a health kick. I would say rather that I am constantly trying to work activity into my day instead of choosing a sedentary life. It is so easy to be sedentary, particularly in winter. But as it's spring and the flowers are blooming and the mornings are cool, it is invigorating to be out there. Unless you are following a kid on training wheels. 

Fidget's had training wheels for at least 2 years. We are ready to see her progress. In fact she has gone from the stage when they are helpful to the time when they are a hindrance and downright dangerous. There was something about this morning though that got me to the point where I just couldn't take it. She was toppling over, going slower and slower, stopping, riding into plants, rearranging her tiny purse basket that she'd brought to hang on her handlebars, rearranging her dress...This is all a mom needs when she's trying to exercise and has already struggled just to get out the door. 

By getting out there I'm saying 'no' or 'not now' to lots of other important things like home schooling and home management. I feel those things pressing in on my day and I am eager to get this fun over with so I can get back to what I should do. I have the feeling that exercise is fun, so I should deny myself the pleasure. But in delaying those things at home, I am teaching Fidget and myself that it is important to exercise. It is important to care for our bodies; we learn from the Bible our bodies are temples of God. I need to teach Fidget that even when you're a mom, you still have needs. This exercise is for me, as well as for her. These are great lessons. But, having battled the 'also-shoulds' and gotten out there to the great outdoors, what I don't want is to be stopped and have to walk and barely get up to a jog at any point. 

So as I say I was at the breaking point. I said to myself, you are not going to get any running in, this kid is holding you up, just tell her you are tired of fooling with that darn bike and that you are going to walk home and she can ride if she can make it. Immediately the pride and harshness of those thoughts were echoed to me when I felt God say right back to me, "If she can make it?" She can't make it. So you're going to leave her here? How far can you make it on your own?

That's it. I can't make it on my own. God says, "Apart from me you can do nothing." So, I didn't leave Fidget out there on her own. Of course I wouldn't have anyway even if I was frustrated. God has never once left me, not once has He said, "I am so tired of you, of carrying you, of righting your cycle every single time you lose balance. I am tired of pulling you and your bike out of bushes, of dusting you off when you fall and get scraped." Not once has He told me he is sick of me, when anyone else would have long ago. He says He could never forget us.

I need to give Fidget and her training wheels a break. In this life, I am always going to be on spiritual training wheels; training to be holy, learning to take God at His word, and be changed into His humble likeness.  I didn't get any running in today. But I did get out with my kid. I did learn a little bit about humility and about my need for God. Tomorrow's another day.

Everyday Grace

We are a needy people. No one likes to need, especially in a country that prides itself on independence. It is a lot to get over when you find out you are in no state to help yourself into Heaven. This is the whole reason Jesus came and why we celebrate Christmas. He came and did what we could not. Our sin is a mortal disease. Yet Jesus was the only human who did not have the disease in the history of the world. 

It is one thing to learn you need Jesus and ask Him into your heart. Fine, we say, I needed you for that. But the rest of this, I’ve got a handle on. It brought me up short this week to be in need. Time and again God shows He knows we are a needy people, and He provides. So why should there be any shame? We need, He answers.

 This week I’ve been having a rough time not feeling well. Yesterday I thought, tomorrow for sure I can handle making dinner. But there’s not much to eat after that meal, and the thought of shopping was daunting. I thought, if only someone else could do it. That’s silly though; there are some things you just have to do. So I was floored this morning when a friend called and offered to do my grocery shopping! In fact, I started to cry. Psalm 9:18 tells us God will never forget the needy. In Psalm 69:33 the Lord tells us He hears the needy. Psalm 72:13 says he will take pity on the weak and the needy. So why should I be so surprised that God cares even about me and my needs, especially one that is so comparatively small in light of the many needs of poor countries and oppressed people? He promises, and He means it.

Sometimes it takes being needy to bring me to my knees. This is where God reminds me that grace is not just about Christmas. Grace is for every day.